Losing a parent

I don't know what the deal is...  sometimes I am totally fine.  Other times this huge wave of sadness hits me and I get this surge of emotion.  It just hits out of nowhere.  Like bending down to pick up the soap when it drops in the shower.  Or reading posts from the last two weeks.  Or talking to my Dad and spending time with him.  

There was the family picture taken at the funeral where the entire family was together.  A picture I cherish.  My Dad was playing in photoshop and overlaid some text onto it.  "Pat's family cleared her for take off with the angels."  Emotion swelled when he showed it to me and I couldn't speak.  Emotion comes in writing what he wrote on the picture.  

There was an open house at their community for the grand reopening.  I originally didn't want to go and my Dad sent me a message the night before at 11 at night asking me if I was going to come.  I made arrangements to attend.  When I arrived it was awkward.  Sitting in the living room he looked at me and I looked at him.  None of us had anything to say and apparently we both had that look that we wanted to say something.  We talked a little bit about the funeral, sorting possessions, the flowers getting old and thrown out.  

I am not interested in sorting possessions and was asked if there was anything I wanted.  I told him no and that sorting through her things makes me extremely uncomfortable.  I do not like the feeling I got when we attempted last week.

The week before and the two weeks after my Mom's passing were extraordinarily busy.  So much to do.  Arrangements to be made.  Taking care of this.  Taking care of that.  Cremation.  Picking up remains.  Planning a service.  Arranging the service.  Hosting the service.   And all that goes into those activities.

Things are supposed to be back to normal.  But they aren't.  Maybe it's adjusting to a new normal.  I'm not motivated to sit in traffic for an hour to go to work.  I'm getting my job done and at the same time not interested in the trek back and forth.  I get showered and ready for the day.  I sit in silence.  The next thing you know a meeting starts in 30 minutes and I don't have time to make it to the office in time for the meeting.  I join remotely and get ready for the next one that starts at 1:30.  Will I make it in for that one?  

Not if I continue to sit in silence and write to try and make sense of my feelings and lack of motivation.  I'm told this is normal.  Why is it normal.  How long will it last?

Yesterday while being with my Dad I realize I don't know him anymore.  Or I don't understand him.  We don't have much in common to converse about.  It's awkward and comfortable at the same time.  I wonder if he thinks the same about me?  I guess it's okay just to be together.  What do you talk about?

I asked him if he would like to come over on Saturday.  He said he'd think about it.  We'd be doing the same thing at my house that we did at his house except there might be music playing in the background.  

Yawn.  It's time to make the donuts.

Maybe I'm not a particularly nice or kind person.  Maybe I'm the one who is boring, ordinary and ugly.

Snow White

Most fascinating to see right wing media destroy Snow White from every angle imaginable.

Disney and zellweger think the problem is the audience. They can't possibly fathom that the audience doesn't like Zigler and the 'modernized' version of the story. It always our problem instead of their problem.

Nevermind the fact that zigler has done nothing but trash the movie since being selected to pay the part. The issue is zigler. She is an outright ugly person on the inside and the outside. She's a typical gen z having been told she's exceptional her entire life. She's brilliant. She's talented. She matters. Her opinion matters. She's been lied to entire life. She's boring. She's ordinary. And she's ugly. She entitled. She's a loser.

Bob Iger should be canned for not keeping his pet on a tighter leash. If anything Disney should sue zigler for damaging their brand with by running her big mouth about the story and her politics.

But in the meantime, the movies failures are our failures. The movie is freshly updated with the next generation of progressive talent. Take my money, I can't wait to see it says practically no one.

The Walt Disney company is setting their legacy on fire thinking everything needs to be updated for modern times. It doesn’t. In most cases revising history is destructive.  Look at what’s happening around the world. It’s being destroyed  so many things are being challenged and or erased. Quite a tragedy. 

Toys

My favorite toy is my stereo. I love listening to music.

My system is so dialed in - for the moment - that it gives me goosebumps. Makes the hair on my body stand on end. It's electrifying. Invigorating.

With my ears being abused by the industry I'm employed and age, I didn't think I would ever experience the phenomenon again. But… here I am living my best life.

The sheer beauty of the music vibing with my soul brings a swell of emotion that only music can summon. It's the resonance, depth, isolation and effortless finesse and dynamics on display with a great John Williams cd. The lush strings. The auditory colors. The sparkle of the brass. The mellow clarinets.

Thankful I can afford such a luxury that brings such pleasure and enjoyment to my life.

But for as much as I know my stereo really sounds like trash. And my ears are so messed up that I think it sounds good.  I guess it doesn’t matter because it’s what pleases my ear. 

You have no idea….

I hate this world

I was reading an article about low testosterone. The article started "People assigned male and people assigned female at birth produce testosterone."

Get the fuck out of here. Men and women produce testosterone. This bastardization of biological truth is bullshit.

Decoupling of sex and gender is seeking to normalize gender dysphoria. Proponents for this way of thinking - aka the trans movement - are mentally ill and this needs to be treated. And those refusing to accept biological fact need to be institutionalized. Stop insisting rational people play along with your illness. Jeezus. Stop it with this nonsense. Freaks.

Now Botox is being marketed to me. To reduce forehead lines, laugh lines, crows feet and other visible signs of aging.  Botox is botchulism. Being injecting under the skin. Last I heard that was poison that comes from canned goods that are not sealed airtight.  The poison causes paralysis of muscles   Can be useful for treatment of migraine. 

If a dude is getting this done for cosmetic reasons he needs to surrender his man card immediately.  This is for soy boys, transvestites and the fairest of them all. I would expect this from women. But men doing this?  GTFO. 

Truths of our society are collapsing and the demons among us are accelerating this decline into an anything goes be who or what you are mentality.  Freaks. 

Being a man is taming the demons in your mind. Surrendering to them is weakness and explains the moral decay of our culture. 

I've seen things

The last couple days of my mom's life...  don't quite know what to say about them.  I remember last Sunday when I came to her house and saw her slumped in the chair barely able to move after the medication fell out of her mouth and onto her shirt.  No one was available to change her shirt.  I asked my Dad if he would do it and he declined.  I did it.  It was the most awkward thing.  I had her told the clean shirt up to cover herself as I carefully removed the dirty shirt.  I planted by eyes next to her head looking at the back to her chair and was able to help my Mom be comfortable while preserving her dignity.  There are some things about your parents that you shouldn't know.  Like what an 80 year old body looks like while deprived of nutrients and exercise....  So there was that.

Then seeing my Mom in the hospital bed after she could no longer walk.  Laying there with her head cocked to the side and her mouth open as dying process began,  Seeing her struggle to open her eyes to look at me.  Hearing the unintelligible breath come from her mouth as she tried to say something.  

As the dying process continued, seeing her raise her eyebrows when she heard a familiar voice.  

Holding her hand and feeling her gentle squeezes become softer and softer until it was just her hand in mine.

On Monday night my Dad called and told me she had passed.  I came to their house and saw my mom's lifeless body laying in the bed.  Head cocked to the side.  Mouth open.  No breathing.  Turning an unusual color of yellow.  The oxygen concentrator still concentrating.  

The caregivers at their residence opened the window to their apartment so her spirit could leave.  There was no awkwardness or bad ju-ju in the room.

The hospice nurse came and did her evaluation and pronounced Mom deceased.  My Dad and I in the room.  Silent as we watched.  The nurse asked if Dad wanted the rings on her fingers.  He did.  I watched the nurse remove them.  Wasn't prepared for what I would see. The color blue (or was it black?) started at her finger tips and working it's way up her arm.  I had seen enough.

After a short time, the crematorium transport came with his gurney to retrieve the body for storage and cremation after the necessary permits were acquired.  The nurse asked if we wanted to watch.  Instead we left the room and went down to the lobby of their residence.  It was dark.  My Dad and I were sitting on a couch.  We heard the elevator bell ring and we moved toward the path the gurney would exit the building.  Standing near the door.  I held my arm around my Dad as the gurney made its way to the front of the building.  My Mom was either in a body bag, covered or both.  We followed the transport driver out and stood watching in total silence with tears streaming down our cheeks.  The transport driver secured the gurney into his vehicle (A Toyota Sienna minivan).  There was a place for two gurneys.  My Mom was the only one being transported at the time.  There was a dog sitting in the passenger seat.  I thought that was really odd.  

The driver closed the door to the van.  My father and I watched the van slowly exit the parking lot, make a right turn, watching in continued silence until the van disappeared down the road.  I spent a number of hours with him after that.  We looked at pictures of Mom projected on the TV and shared space together sharing odd cherished memories with each other.  

When I left in the early morning hours on Tuesday, I heard the strangest thing.  It was dark outside and the birds were singing.  I used to get up in the middle of the night to go to work to be at the airport at 0400.  There were never birds singing.  There were birds singing that night for me and my Mom letting me know everything was okay.

Now there are moments of extreme sadness coming from what I've seen over the last two weeks.  I wish I could unsee some of what I've seen.   

The death of a parent changes you in a way that only comes with the loss of a parent.  Life feels heavier.  More serious.  I am no longer my Mother's child yet I will always be her child.  I stand strong in the fog of death and lead everyone through this dark and unchartered part of life.  Hopefully I've done it with strength, care, kindness and compassion.  Gentleness, too.  I hope my mom is proud.

Has it been three weeks or two weeks?  Has it been six months?  Has it been longer than that?  Everything leading up to today has turned into a blur.  Watching my Mom decline over the last year has been something else.  Some of the caregivers shared videos of my parents starting with them moving in to their apartments.  And the decline is dramatic.  Going through the decline, I didn't realize the magnitude until seeing videos and photos of her over the last three years.  You don't see it when with someone day to day.  It's a slow slide. As my Mom declined she never got angry, mean or bitter.  She was always happy when she wasn't in pain and made it through each day being a kind, compassionate and gentle soul that she always was deep down.  A flower.  A delicate flower.  Giving joy to those she interacted with, even while under duress that comes from living with dementia.

Live Albums

 An Evening with John Denver was his first live album recorded in 1974.  The versions of the songs we sang at the funeral came from the live album because it had orchestra accompaniment.  And this album is heralded as the best live album he did.  And I can see and hear why.

Later in his career John Denver got way too preachy about the planet and politics during his concerts.  Over the last 2 days I've been listening to a lot of the albums my Dad gave me.  Listening to the later stuff, John Denver turned into John Kerry ranting about the environment, destruction of the planet and the politics of war.  Whatever.

Which is why this 1974 album is so great.  In reading the liner notes, it seems that 1974 was when John hit it "big" after a start about 5 years earlier in 1969 and gradually becoming a solo artist for RCA records.  1974 - you can hear the amazement in his voice of playing in front of 35,000 people.  The purity in his lyrics,  The innocence in his voice and the honesty and sincerity in what he sang about.  It is a stellar album absent of the disgruntled tree hugger he turned into when he was boozing it up, flying around in airplanes and using his celebrity status to preach to the rest of us.  I didn't like it then and I despise that practice now.

I remember listening to this album with my parents a lot in the mid 70s - early 80s while I was growing up hearing it in the living room when we moved to Texas in 1975.  My mom was always so happy when listening to John Denver.  I can see her smile and warmth radiating when she was humming along to a lot of the songs in this particular album...  My Mom connected with John Denver on a fundamental level; much the same way I do with John Williams.  But John Denver's affect on my Mom...  I can still see the smile on her face and the sun shining into our living room.  My Mom humming along was oh so sweet because she was so happy.  Transported to a place of complete serenity. 

As my Mom was dying, my Dad and I had the discussion of what to do with her body - bury, cremation or what..  it was awkward as I listened to some of his ideas - I don't even remember what they were.  I don't think I heard a word he said.  I told him what I was thinking.  Cremation and placed in an urn until he dies.  Once his time here ends, he will be cremated.  My sister and I will take them to Colorado and scatter their ashes.  I suggested the John Denver wild life center...  He started crying and thought that was a wonderful idea.  So he and my Mom will get one last trip to Colorado where their remains will be spread.  I think it is most fitting.

Musical Soul

 Today was Mom's funeral.  While we were planning the service we called it a celebration of life.  In the end, it was a funeral.  An opportunity for friends and family to gather, celebrate, mourn and bring resolve to the unsettled feeling when someone of significance is no longer physically with us but forever part of us.

While my sister, Dad and I were planning the service, we decided we wanted to incorporate John Denver's "Take me Home, Country Roads" into the service as my Dad associates going home as a metaphor to back to Pennsylvania and going to heaven to be at home with God.  It is a song that holds deep meaning for my Mom and my Dad.

I had other ideas...  I wanted to include "Rocky Mountain High" in the service because to me the song speaks to my Mom's delight in nature - the birds, the wind, the trees, the sun and being free when she breathed the clean air in the sun while the birds chirped...  

We settled on opening the service with Rocky Mountain High and closing the service with Take Me Home.  Throughout the meditation our pastor weaved the fabric of Mom's life, our family and our friends together with thread of John Denver's poetic lyricism.  It was elegant.  It was beautiful.  It was meaningful.  It was Mom.

My Dad wanted everyone to listen to the music.  I suggested we have everyone sing the songs together as a group of friends and it would occupy everyone if members of the family were emotionally moved during the music.  They'd be focused on reading and singing instead of what we were doing.  We sang as a community.  We opened the service and closed the service with John Denver's finest anthems.  Musically celebrating my Mom's life with music.

I don't think those in attendance will ever hear those songs the same away after sharing in celebration of my Mom.  While planning the service, I related to the words much more deeply.  The lyrics are poetic and powerful, yet tender and gentle; capturing the essence of Mom's spirit.  

My Dad gave me the cds remaining from their collection.  I asked my Dad if he wanted to hang on to them a little while longer.   He told me he wanted me to have them.  I looked at him and told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to take them so soon because I feel like I was taking part of Mom.  He looked at me and said "That's why I want you to have them."  My heart swelled and tears rained.

John Denver sang about things that mattered to my mom.  They saw the world from a shared lens.  They had the same priorities in care for others, the environment, nature and the like.  Tonight I realized that John Denver is the musical soul of my family.  My Mom, my Dad, my sister and me - all touched by John Denver's music.  John Williams is my musical soul mate.  John Denver is my Mom's musical soul mate and in turn, our family's musical soul.

The words to each song sang at the funeral are below:

Rocky Mountain High:

He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Coming home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door

When he first came to the mountains his life was far away
On the road and hanging by a song
But the string's already broken and he doesn't really care
It keeps changing fast and it don't last for long

But the Colorado Rocky Mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
The shadow from the starlight is softer than a lullaby
Rocky Mountain high (Colorado)
Rocky Mountain high (high in Colorado)

He climbed cathedral mountains, he saw silver clouds below
He saw everything as far as you can see
And they say that he got crazy once and he tried to touch the sun
And he lost a friend but kept the memory

Now he walks in quiet solitude the forests and the streams
Seeking grace in every step he takes
His sight has turned inside himself to try and understand
The serenity of a clear blue mountain lake

And the Colorado Rocky Mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
Talk to God and listen to the casual reply
Rocky Mountain high (high in Colorado)
Rocky Mountain high (high in Colorado)

Now his life is full of wonder but his heart still knows some fear
Of a simple thing he cannot comprehend
While they try to tear the mountains down to bring in a couple more
More people, more scars upon the land

And the Colorado Rocky Mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
I know he'd be a poorer man if he never saw an eagle fly
Rocky Mountain high

Colorado Rocky Mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
Friends around the campfire and everybody's high
Rocky Mountain high (high in Colorado)
Rocky Mountain high (high in Colorado)

Country Roads, Take Me Home:

Almost Heaven, West Virginia
Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River
Life is old there, older than the trees
Younger than the mountains, growin' like a breeze

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads

All my memories gather 'round her
Miner's lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads

I hear her voice in the mornin' hour, she calls me
The radio reminds me of my home far away
Drivin' down the road, I get a feelin'
That I should've been home yesterday, yesterday

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads

Take me home, (down) country roads
Take me home, (down) country roads

Pretty unreal

There is something wrong with the cost of healthcare in our country.  I don't have a lot of things wrong with me but the check in engine lot pops on occasionally.  For those who don't know, I suffer from manic depressive disorder and I've been on various forms of medication since approximately 2008.  Medications only work until they don't.  For three years I've been on something called Caplyta.  On 42 mg for the long time and most recently downgraded dose to 10.5 mg once a day.  Reason for reduction was jaw clenching that lead to cracking a tooth.  

Originally my doctor told me the medication was expensive and that there was no generic equivalent.  She completed the necessary paperwork facilitating my health insurance provider to cover the cost minus the generic drug copay as it was medically necessary.  

Last week, I went to the pharmacist for a refill and the insurance supplement had expired.  Notified at time of pick up the retail cost for 30 doses was $2014.00.  And there was a discount of $1400.00 making my out of pocket expense $614.00 dollar.  Returned to the pharmacy and presented a discount card from the manufacturer.  After they spent 30 minutes inputing various information was notified the out of pocket cost was zero.  Struggle to understand how a capsule containing 10.5 milligrams of medication can cost 67 dollars.  A gram of Caplyta would be approximately $6,700.00.  Street prices for a gram of cocaine is $200.00 dollars.  

I wasn't taking any of the prescribed medicine in December/January.  Resumed in February due to not feeling normal.  Pleased with being clean for two months.  Don't know how feasible it is to be completely going forward.  Unsure what changes I could make to end taking of the drugs.  Will again ask the doctor at next appointment.

Do I avoid certain stimulus.  Do I withdraw from certain situations?  Do I accept my unmedicated self as I am?  Am I broken?  Defective?  Something else?  Is my brilliance being medicated away?

It's been a week

 It's been a week since Mom left our world and crossed over to the other side.  This week has been one of the most disappointing and one that will go down as being exceptional in my life.

The hospice we selected turned out to be a complete disappointment.  I don't know if they were too small, incompetent or incapable of providing quality to care to my mom and our family.  Things went sideways in a hurry when was conflict between the nursing home and the hospice nurse and took a further nose diver when I had had to play peacemaker between the two organizations.  The chaplain was useless.  The social worker did absolutely nothing.  The only real care my mom got from hospice as she died was daily visits from the nurse, 3 baths, a hospital bed, an oxygen concentrator that was broken and morphine to numb the pain that comes as the body expires.

I feel forgotten by the hospice agency.  Discarded.  Maybe my expectations were too high.  My family didn't matter to them.  We were just a paycheck.  What started out as a nice drive ended with the car going over the cliff and my family being left for dead.  While I was originally quite saddened by the situation we found ourselves in, I see their failures as one of the biggest blessings of my life.

The hospice failures give me the amazing opportunity to care for and love my Mom, my Dad and my sister in a way that I can.  It turns out, this is one of the greatest privileges in my life.  To advocate for mom's well being.  To be a rock for my Dad.  To carry my Dad through hurt and pain as an adult like he did for me as a child.  To coordinate the arrangements for cremation.  To work with my sister to create a service to honor and celebrate my Mom.  To spend time with my Dad.  To restore life-long friendships.  To do work (it's not work.  It's a a true honor to do get to do work (It's not work - it's love) that my Dad is unable to do.  To make this time be the best it can be for all involved despite the loss we feel on Earth.  To put together a celebration to honor my Mom, care for my Dad and my sister is the privilege of a lifetime.

The week has been invigorating and at times a struggle.  And, I wouldn't trade being able to serve my Mom in this way for anything in the world.  It means the world to me to take care of her the way she took care of me - wrapped in love.  A love that is imperfectly perfect.  

What is the biggest blessing in all of this is it has brought me, my sister, our Mom and our Dad closer together.   My family is being healed through loss.  I hope the feeling is shared and felt by my sister, my Dad Earth and my Mom in Heaven.

Radio

Radio.  Radio stations.  Free entertainment that is delightful.  Getting to hear a bunch of different music without having to curate the place list yourself or even think about it.  Don't like what is being broadcast?  Change the station.  I think radio is the best.  And it's free!  No subscription fees and no service provider required.  

The techies among us call traditional radio "terrestrial radio."  Like it's some kind of mutant technology from the dark ages.  While the technology may be old, it's tried and true and cost effective.  

The current generations don't understand the appeal of radio.  Much like I don't understand the infatuation with streaming.

I'm old.  Past the heyday of life.  Just because technology is newer doesn't mean it's better.  I used to think I was born in the wrong generation.  Now I realize I am here to keep technology and culture from the old days relevant in today's world.  Ain't no shame in that.  It's a source of pride.

Disney

The house of mouse hired Rachel
Zegler to play Snow White in their latest live action remake of a beloved classic. Since signing on to play the lead role Rachel has been outspoken about the outdated plot line and all this contrived outrage that the prince kissed Snow White while she was sleeping. As if it was some kind of violation of her autonomy as an animated character.

During the early pressers zegler was saying how the story was going to be modernized to remove toxic masculinity and have the female take the lead in her own destiny. The controversy escalated as the film entered production. The dwarves were originally some cadres of DEI characters. The entire production was taking a flame thrower to the legacy of Walt Disney, that period of history (should we call it herstory) and the story.

Disney has downscaled the premiere and restricted media access because they're afraid of someone causing a scene and raining on their parade of self serving promotion and celebration. It's what Hollywood does best. Disney could have avoided the controversy had they fired the outspoken, spoiled rotten brat of a feminist they cast as the lead. But they want to be woke. And their wokeness will alienate their traditional fan base. It's not about appeasing the existing fan base. It's about growing the brand.

Here's to the feminists, the queers and the DEI champions. I hope the movie is an epic flop. Stop tinkering with tradition and legacy. Stop promoting a social agenda embraced by radical lunatics. Disney has become a social justice train wreck. I don't think this social justice thing is organic. It's a train wreck of entitled white people feeling guilty of their supposed privilege and status in culture.

Disney. They decided the song of the south was racist because a slave was happy. And it's culturally insensitive to show a slave as being happy. What do they do? Close splash mountain and turn it into Tatianna's Bayou so they can showcase their first black princess. You gotta destroy something to highlight something else. Kinda like a mob destroying a city as a reaction to George Floyd dying; except Disney is doing it to themselves. They're cannibalizing themselves to appease 'the oppressed' or some other new world order nonsense.

My Mom Died

On Monday my mom proclaimed the promise of her baptism. After years of suffering from dementia, she was restored; made whole on the other side.

One thing you may not know about my mom is she was tough as nails while having the grace of an angel. She carried my dad through some medical scares and was a huge advocate to him getting the care he needed with her medical background as a registered nurse.

Roughly 10 years ago I was charged with taking mom back to Pennsylvania to see her dad, my pappy when he moved into a nursing home. We went to his house and there had been some changes to the back porch. It was my job to take care of mom. I saw my uncle and leapt up onto the raised porch. There used to be a railing around the porch. Mom tried to do the same and tripped on the ledge letting out a yell. Her leg got pretty torn up and was bleeding pretty bad. We got her into the house and decided she needed to go to the hospital. Mom never flinched or complained about the situation. While at the hospital they put in stitches and the trip continued as if nothing ever happened. We went to one of her favorite restaurant immediately after never skipping a beat for the remainder of the trip.

As Mon aged arthritis set in and moving became painful. She moved a little slower and often winced in pain if she was positioned wrong or something got tweaked weird. After the pain would reside she never complained. She maintained an extraordinary level of kindness and compassion towards others. Despite the pain in her body her heart was always pure and kind.

Mom always gleamed when family, friends or caregivers came to see her. The joy in her eyes and the warmth of her touch was always contagious. She radiated the glory of God. Mom saw the essence of who they are and who we are. In turn we saw the pureness and kindness God gave Mom.

All that being said, here is how I will remember my Mom. She had the spirit of a warrior and the grace of an angel. Only a few people got to see the side of Mom that was tough as nails. But, everyone she ever knew got to see the grace of angel. Now she's free and flying with the angels where she belongs. Spread those wings and fly!

A different understanding

My Dad often laments on his sadness with the family not being in the same place at the same time for visits. Hes always been distraught over my sister and her family's infrequent visits and the overall lack of time spent together. It has bothered him as long as they were married.

My family is together at the moment with my oldest being home for spring break. Having my family together brings feelings of happiness and completeness. Serenity if you will. The feeling of being whole. I never felt that quite so strongly as now - when my mom is dying.

Now I understand why it has bothered my dad all these years when the family hasn't been together. At the same time in the same place. It's sad to think it is a feeling he yearns that has rarely been fulfilled or satiated.

The circle was rarely ever complete for my side of the family.

I love the feeling of being with my wife and kids and relish in it during this sad time. I understand why it bothers my dad that the family hasn't frequently been together.

One thing about my wife's side of the family is they vacation together and L and her sister make it a point to visit during the summer. Because there's nothing better than being with family.

As we've been married we've started certain 'traditions' of when we gather. Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve. And those are wonderful times.

The beauty of it is these times of togetherness evolved naturally. Nobody made everyone come together. It just sort of happened when everyone was able to travel. It wasn't ever done out of obligation but out of wanting to be other.

Question

Why don't they call a dill pickle a dickle?

A Mother's Love

 The only person who ever totally loves you is your Mom.  You are part of her and she is part of you.  There is no other bond like that in existence.

I've written about some of the painful parts of growing up - the not so nice.  The nitty gritty.  At at the same time, when someone is dying the only thing left is love.  Everything else quickly fades to nothing.

Up until she could no longer speak, my mom was always so happy to see me.  Her day was always brightened when I came to see her.  Even as she started dying she would open her eyes and smile and whisper hello and that she loved me.  I've talked to her, held her hand and just sat with her.  Alernating with being with my Dad even though they are in the same room.

Now as her body shuts down, when she hears my voice she tries her best to look at me.  I don't know what she sees or what she does not see.  I think she hears our voices and feels our touch.

I'm looking forward to mom being made whole again when she crosses into the non-physical world.  It hit me yesterday as she was sweet as sweet can be as the dying process starts - when she crosses, my mom will fly with the angels.  I think her soft spoken demeanor will be transformed into the spirit of a warrior and she will fly.  Fly with kindness, heart and soul.

The strangest thing happened on Friday...  It was mom's 80th birthday.  We started hospice care last Sunday.  At 2:00 on Friday's they have happy hour and bring in a musician to sing and entertain the residents.  On Friday, Daryl came with his grandson.  They both play guitar.  Requests were taken as they alternated between songs they wanted to sing.  They sang happy birthday to mom at the beginning of the show and the end.  The last two songs played were incredible.  The first last song was Country Roads by John Denver.  My Mom loves - as in loves - John Denver.  We held hands and our arms danced as we listened to the music. 

The last song was Lee Greenwood's "I'm proud to be an American."  I don't know what came over everyone but a few started standing and singing along with Daryl and son,  My Mom wanted to stand and we got her out of the wheel chair.  My Dad, my Mom and me all stood together singing America's finest anthem.  It was the strangest thing and I've never seen my Mom have such a strong response to that piece of music.  

She sat back in the chair and went to her room.  She wanted to get out of the wheelchair and sit in her chair.  I had never seen my mom struggle more to stand up and sit down as she did when we got back to the room after happy hour.  

It was the best day Mom has had in at least a month.  It was her last good day.  A parade lap if you will of a life well lived.

At 8AM on Saturday morning I received a call to come from my Dad.  Mom was struggling and was sitting in her chair.  No longer able to swallow the pain medication they gave her slumped over.   I sat with both of them.  My wife brought sheets for the hospital bed and we got mom moved to wear she could be more comfortable.  Morphine doses started at noon every two hours.  My sister came from Dallas around two and two life long friends came around 3.  The three of them said goodbye.  My sister needed to get back on the road to Dallas.  I politely asked the lifelong friends to leave.  And I went back home to bring my wife and kids to Mom to say goodbye. And that's when the flood gates opened.  Seeing my wife, oldest and youngest sons say Goodbye to their MIL/Nanna.  I said goodbye to Mom and was holding her hand.  My Dad was getting emotional sitting in his chair.

I composed myself and asked my Dad to come to Mom and he came.  Held her hand and finally released some of his emotion.  My family left and it was just me and Dad with Mom.  Holding hands, crying and talking.  

So as of now mom is on the decline.  Oxygen level is sitting at 90% as of last measure.  She sleeps and occasionally tosses or perks up.  One doesn't know what she is feeling or thinking if anything.  I'm so thankful everyone got to see mom yesterday.  I'm glad the three of us had an awesome day on Friday.  And now, there is a strange comfort and resolve to Mom's life on Earth ending.   

I wonder if we just beat her decline by a hair or did her decline accelerate because family and fried came to see her and send her off.  Does anyone know the answer to that question?

Starving to death

End of life is not pretty. My mom has dementia and her brain no longer communicates properly with the rest of her body. It's affected her ability to swallow. She is holding and pocketing what's supposed to sustain her. She's starving to death. Barely able to eat or drink. It's sad to see her deteriorate. Over the last 6 months she's lost 40 pounds. She's dying.

Duke medical school

See article below:

Duke Medical School Labels Punctuality As "White Supremacy Culture" sharesplosion.com

They say that being on time is perpetuating white supremecy. Using a clock and measuring time to agree on when events happen is racist.   A better option is to meet at day break, sunset or around lunch time?  When is lunch?  Let's have a random meeting and hope we end up at the same place at the same time to conduct business, see a movie and for dinner. 

Imagine the anasthesiologist showing up after the surgeon starts his procedure.  What is it with these people?  They are crazy.  

The left wants to destroy how our society works.  They're manipulating fundamental truths like the differences between men and women, how time works, what is age appropriate material to expose children. 

If having time integrity is racial injustice maybe modern society isn't for you.

  

Gear

Some people say there is a break in period with new gear. During the break in period the bass opens up and the speaker fills out. Some say the break in period can last 200 hours.

I don't know if that's true.

Perhaps there is a break in period for the ears and the brain to adjust to the output of the speakers. The brain calibrates to the stimulus.

I've heard a lot of gear. And as something may not sound good initially but it sounds better after an acclimation period.

I just don't see how a speaker has to break in.

End of Life

Hospice care has been ordered for my Mom. Her weight is at an all time low. She's not eating or drinking very much anymore. Neurologist hypothesizes that dementia impairment is advanced to the point my mom doesn't know how to swallow without being coached or promoted in real time.

Selected hospice care agency and there was significant friction between the residence my parents live and the hospice nurse. It escalated to the point of speaking with the executive director of the facility and the corporate nurse for the facility.

If a staff member is interfering with someone outside their purview providing care, I have a significant problem with that.

Hopefully this has been corrected and there will not be any retaliation or drop in the quality of care either of my parents receive.

Don't know how much time my mom has left. I guess that's between her and god.

I am hopeful this is the most kind, caring and compassionate stage of her life.

So many topics

Many topic choices at the moment. Political. Professional. Personal. Yadda yadda yadda. Everyone knows my insatiable urge to comment on politics and the like. Must resist temptation.