Tales from the park side

 The human mind/bosy is not intended to live past 80 years. If im not dead by then I hope assisted suicide is legal by then so I can leave on my terms with some shred of dignity.  

Tales from the park side - confession

I struggle with seeing how parkinson's disease changes my dad.  This year there have been many changes as he's moved into a skilled nursing private care home.  I experience anger, frustration, disappointment and sadness as these disease continues to progress.  I struggle with empathy and compassion.  As I child I was always hyper sensitive to other people's struggles.  As I aged, I became hard and callous to avoid dealing with my feelings coming from seeing other people's struggles and situations.  The feelings used to be overwhelming.  Like I was some kind of golden retriever dog that had to carry a stuffed animal in my mouth to deal with the overwhelming feeling that too easily welled up in me.  My coping mechanism made me hard with a black soul not unlike a lump of coal.  The pressure will never turn me into a diamond. If anything my heart is guarded after years of being abused and dented by others and in some cases being self-inflicted. 

There's really no one to talk or vent to that offers any tools for dealing with the situation.  I often over-share what I'm experiencing with the googler.  For the first time I broke down during an exchange with the googler.  After a considerable exchange I said "Parkinson’s sucks. It is taking my dad from me and leaving me with something else."  Here is what gregg the googler offered:

The cruel part of advanced Parkinson’s disease is that it often doesn't take someone all at once. It takes them in pieces.

First it may take their ease of movement.

Then their voice.

Then their confidence.

Then their ability to hold a conversation.

Then, for some people, their judgment, insight, or personality.

Every time one of those changes, you're asked to adjust to a new version of your father. That's why this kind of grief is often called ambiguous grief: the person is still alive, but the relationship keeps changing.

... 

You can still love him without being responsible for defending every behavior or repairing every conflict. The staff can set boundaries. His medical team can manage his care. Your role is to be his son.

And even if, on some visits, all you can offer is your presence for a short while, that still has value.

Parkinson's is an unforgiving disease. It asks families to let go of the parent they knew a little at a time, and that's one of the hardest kinds of loss there is.

I hope you'll give yourself some grace for the anger you've been feeling. Anger and grief often travel together. They don't mean you've stopped loving your dad. In fact, they're often a sign of how much you've already lost.

I long for the day of seeing my Dad with parkinsons instead of seeing parkinsons with my dad.  At this rate, he will have been long gone and I'll be newly dead when that happens again.  And maybe that's why the idea of heaven has resonated throughout time.  And maybe life on Earth is hell.

 

Costco food court

 Costco sells a hotdog and soda combo for $1.50.  Quite the bargain. The hotdog hangs over the bun almost 2 inches on each side. Yuk.  It looks like a big ol’ dong. I don’t know how people can order it, carry it or eat it.  They’re obscene.  Either make the bun bigger or the hot dog smaller.  They’re not hotdogs. They’re porndogs. Yuk. 

Bumper Stickers

 I saw a car with an I 💙Roku sticker on it. Why would anyone want to proclaim to the world they are a Roku customer and the love it?  I love a lot of things.  I don’t advertise it on my car.  Maybe they’re happier than I am. 

Apple

 Apple is putting Muslim holidays on my calendar. I didn’t ask for or agree to having Muslim propaganda on my phone.  This is not American. Apple - you suck and you’re a traitor to this country.  Globalism is bullshit.  Pandering to Muslims is bullshit.  

Tales from the park side

 2:00 am sitting in a hospital room with our my dad. He was rushed to the hospital thinking he was having a heart attack. 5 hours later and he was released. No sign of heart attack.  His blood pressure at one point was 220/90. It came back down to 173/85.  He’s been running with a high blood pressure as we are trying to find an appropriate level of risk where is blood pressure may be elevated but he isn’t a fall risk from being out on medication to control the blood pressure.  I guess we will continue assessments with his medical team. 

Interesting to note…. He had spaghetti with tomato sauce for dinner.  I wonder if he had a case of indigestion or acid reflux. 

The duopa pump was disconnected on schedule at 11. When my dad was discharged from the hospital, i saw him without medication to control his symptoms.  He couldn’t initiate any movement and could barely move because he was so stiff. 

I wish he didn’t have to suffer with the disease.  I know he is desperate for relief and is miserable. Someone got him interested in hydrogen therapy along with his duopa pump.  He’s supposed to have an appointment with his neurologist tomorrow. We will see how he feels in the morning. 

Fifa

 The soccer clubs are making their rounds in America as they play for the World Cup. Now all these fans are putting up videos about America with a bunch of retards going to Bucees or an HEB acting amazed that such things exist and they’re so enthusiastic. Japanese people eating bbq. Other people eating Boston crème pie.  Some guy eating blue bell icecream acting like it’s incredible.  Then the Netherlands had an orange march in Houston. It looked like some kind of muslim nonsense even though it wasn’t. Some guy from Portugal going on and on about how great Houston is and how nice everyone is.  Scottish people drinking a bar dry in boston. Oh god - they ran out of Samuel Adams. Someone going to bass pro shops and seeing guns for sale and freaking out with both giddy excitement and a weird concern.  What a bunch of blokes.  Shut the fuck up and go back to your own country.   There are these dude from Europe in a van singing John Denver at the top of their lungs like it’s some kind of American rite of passage. What a bunch of assholes. It’s like these people think they’re on another planet.