A Mother's Love

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 The only person who ever totally loves you is your Mom.  You are part of her and she is part of you.  There is no other bond like that in existence.

I've written about some of the painful parts of growing up - the not so nice.  The nitty gritty.  At at the same time, when someone is dying the only thing left is love.  Everything else quickly fades to nothing.

Up until she could no longer speak, my mom was always so happy to see me.  Her day was always brightened when I came to see her.  Even as she started dying she would open her eyes and smile and whisper hello and that she loved me.  I've talked to her, held her hand and just sat with her.  Alernating with being with my Dad even though they are in the same room.

Now as her body shuts down, when she hears my voice she tries her best to look at me.  I don't know what she sees or what she does not see.  I think she hears our voices and feels our touch.

I'm looking forward to mom being made whole again when she crosses into the non-physical world.  It hit me yesterday as she was sweet as sweet can be as the dying process starts - when she crosses, my mom will fly with the angels.  I think her soft spoken demeanor will be transformed into the spirit of a warrior and she will fly.  Fly with kindness, heart and soul.

The strangest thing happened on Friday...  It was mom's 80th birthday.  We started hospice care last Sunday.  At 2:00 on Friday's they have happy hour and bring in a musician to sing and entertain the residents.  On Friday, Daryl came with his grandson.  They both play guitar.  Requests were taken as they alternated between songs they wanted to sing.  They sang happy birthday to mom at the beginning of the show and the end.  The last two songs played were incredible.  The first last song was Country Roads by John Denver.  My Mom loves - as in loves - John Denver.  We held hands and our arms danced as we listened to the music. 

The last song was Lee Greenwood's "I'm proud to be an American."  I don't know what came over everyone but a few started standing and singing along with Daryl and son,  My Mom wanted to stand and we got her out of the wheel chair.  My Dad, my Mom and me all stood together singing America's finest anthem.  It was the strangest thing and I've never seen my Mom have such a strong response to that piece of music.  

She sat back in the chair and went to her room.  She wanted to get out of the wheelchair and sit in her chair.  I had never seen my mom struggle more to stand up and sit down as she did when we got back to the room after happy hour.  

It was the best day Mom has had in at least a month.  It was her last good day.  A parade lap if you will of a life well lived.

At 8AM on Saturday morning I received a call to come from my Dad.  Mom was struggling and was sitting in her chair.  No longer able to swallow the pain medication they gave her slumped over.   I sat with both of them.  My wife brought sheets for the hospital bed and we got mom moved to wear she could be more comfortable.  Morphine doses started at noon every two hours.  My sister came from Dallas around two and two life long friends came around 3.  The three of them said goodbye.  My sister needed to get back on the road to Dallas.  I politely asked the lifelong friends to leave.  And I went back home to bring my wife and kids to Mom to say goodbye. And that's when the flood gates opened.  Seeing my wife, oldest and youngest sons say Goodbye to their MIL/Nanna.  I said goodbye to Mom and was holding her hand.  My Dad was getting emotional sitting in his chair.

I composed myself and asked my Dad to come to Mom and he came.  Held her hand and finally released some of his emotion.  My family left and it was just me and Dad with Mom.  Holding hands, crying and talking.  

So as of now mom is on the decline.  Oxygen level is sitting at 90% as of last measure.  She sleeps and occasionally tosses or perks up.  One doesn't know what she is feeling or thinking if anything.  I'm so thankful everyone got to see mom yesterday.  I'm glad the three of us had an awesome day on Friday.  And now, there is a strange comfort and resolve to Mom's life on Earth ending.   

I wonder if we just beat her decline by a hair or did her decline accelerate because family and fried came to see her and send her off.  Does anyone know the answer to that question?


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