Losing a parent

I don't know what the deal is...  sometimes I am totally fine.  Other times this huge wave of sadness hits me and I get this surge of emotion.  It just hits out of nowhere.  Like bending down to pick up the soap when it drops in the shower.  Or reading posts from the last two weeks.  Or talking to my Dad and spending time with him.  

There was the family picture taken at the funeral where the entire family was together.  A picture I cherish.  My Dad was playing in photoshop and overlaid some text onto it.  "Pat's family cleared her for take off with the angels."  Emotion swelled when he showed it to me and I couldn't speak.  Emotion comes in writing what he wrote on the picture.  

There was an open house at their community for the grand reopening.  I originally didn't want to go and my Dad sent me a message the night before at 11 at night asking me if I was going to come.  I made arrangements to attend.  When I arrived it was awkward.  Sitting in the living room he looked at me and I looked at him.  None of us had anything to say and apparently we both had that look that we wanted to say something.  We talked a little bit about the funeral, sorting possessions, the flowers getting old and thrown out.  

I am not interested in sorting possessions and was asked if there was anything I wanted.  I told him no and that sorting through her things makes me extremely uncomfortable.  I do not like the feeling I got when we attempted last week.

The week before and the two weeks after my Mom's passing were extraordinarily busy.  So much to do.  Arrangements to be made.  Taking care of this.  Taking care of that.  Cremation.  Picking up remains.  Planning a service.  Arranging the service.  Hosting the service.   And all that goes into those activities.

Things are supposed to be back to normal.  But they aren't.  Maybe it's adjusting to a new normal.  I'm not motivated to sit in traffic for an hour to go to work.  I'm getting my job done and at the same time not interested in the trek back and forth.  I get showered and ready for the day.  I sit in silence.  The next thing you know a meeting starts in 30 minutes and I don't have time to make it to the office in time for the meeting.  I join remotely and get ready for the next one that starts at 1:30.  Will I make it in for that one?  

Not if I continue to sit in silence and write to try and make sense of my feelings and lack of motivation.  I'm told this is normal.  Why is it normal.  How long will it last?

Yesterday while being with my Dad I realize I don't know him anymore.  Or I don't understand him.  We don't have much in common to converse about.  It's awkward and comfortable at the same time.  I wonder if he thinks the same about me?  I guess it's okay just to be together.  What do you talk about?

I asked him if he would like to come over on Saturday.  He said he'd think about it.  We'd be doing the same thing at my house that we did at his house except there might be music playing in the background.  

Yawn.  It's time to make the donuts.

Maybe I'm not a particularly nice or kind person.  Maybe I'm the one who is boring, ordinary and ugly.