The beating heart

 My sisters husband was in a terrible automobile accident.  Head on collision at highway speeds on a two lane road.  He sustained major injuries to his abdominal region.  They had to operate on him to repair the injuries.  They waited almost a week to do the operation.  While he was in post op icu, he went into cardiac arrest.  They worked on him for 27 minutes to bring him back to life.  Somewhere along the line he had a stroke.  Since then, he it has been one thing after the other with him.  Every time they turn around he's back in the hospital with another issue.  He's no longer of sound mind and has gotten belligerent and abusive to my sister.  Some of the things he has said can't be undone.  My sister says she realizes he's not right in the head; but that doesn't change the hurt his words and actions have caused to her.  I don't know how she manages to stay strong.  As she said, she thinks she's in the bottom floor of hell and surprise, the floor falls out from under them and they reach an ever greater depth of hell.  I don't know what the future holds for him, her or their family.

About two years ago, my Dad short circuited completely.  He was in the hospital for a week or 2.  He was in an alternate reality than the one I was in.  He was frail and looked malnourished.  He had a DNR in place.  I had not fully read it prior to this.  I learned after the fact that I violated his DNR and put him on hydration and nutrition.  He was released from the hospital and was put into hospice.  By the grace of God he pulled through and has been stable for the last two years.  He has Parkinson's disease.  Did I do the right thing?  According the the DNR, I did not.  I think I did the right thing.  I wouldn't have done anything different because letting someone dehydrate or starve themself to death is inhumane.  

About 10 years ago my wife almost died for complications from the flu, MRSA and sepsis.  She was in a coma for a week or two.  Her infection was managed through chemistry.  They would analyze her blood and used the data to administer her drugs that eventually healed her.  She had scaring in her throat from the trache that was in her throat.  They put a stint in her throat to keep scar tissue from forming.  We had two or three returns to the hospital because the stint became dislodged.  The last time it happened, they put a big stint in and we went to Dallas to visit a surgeon who essentially cut the scarred part of her trachea out and sewed it together and she has been fine ever since.  Her respiratory system is vulnerable to allergens.  She's alive and well.

My sisters situation got me thinking - I think her husbands number was up and he probably should have died and modern medicine intervened and brought him back to life.  Actually, he was dead and maybe that was his time to go.  My wife could have died but she was a fighter.  Her heartbeat never stopped.  My Dad's heartbeat never stopped. As long as the heart is powered by itself, the person is still alive?  I don't know.

Maybe when the heart stops on it's own, that is when it's time to go.  Does anyone make a full recovery after the heart stops and is restarted?  I know a guy that had open heart surgery for 8 hours or something.  He came back and he was a depressed mess.  He decided he had gender disforia and had his penis cut off and started taking hormonal supplements and decided he's a woman.  He got divorced, his family abandoned him and he lives alone and volunteers in an assisted living community.  He writes a blog that is kind of interesting.  I think he writes it in hopes his grandkids someday get to read it and learn who he was since the grandkids aren't allowed to see him.  He paid a high price and ruined his life to become a woman.  I hope he thinks it was worth it.

What I'm getting at is once the heart stops, a person is dead.  Should that person be resusitated?  Do they leave and come back damaged?  My wife and my dad are both okay - but their heart never stopped.  People that had their heart stop and restart come back different.  So maybe that is where the line should be drawn.  No restarting a stopped heart.

If my brain is dying, will my wife leave me?  Will I end up in the custody of the state?  If my mind fails and I start being billigerent, I don't think my wife will stick around for that.  Her grandma took care of her grandpa when he had Alzheimers.  The story goes he was horrible to her.  She stuck it out and took care of him until he died.  Will my wife do the same?  Would I do the same for her?

That's enough.  Time to stop.

Sputtering out

 Sometimes my mind becomes a blank piece of paper.  Or the wavelength electrical activity in my head flatlines and goes blank. Other times my mind is alive and well. Sometimes it feels like my brain is on life support. I’ve had a few appointments scheduled for cognitive testing and I always cancelled them. On one hand I am curious if I have a problem. On the other hand I don’t want to know the answer.  My doctor says it would be good to know because some cognitive problems can be treated  Treatment only prolongs the path to the inevitable  

Words are lost as are thoughts.  Poof. It’s gone. My mind is a vacant lot. Maybe the dopamine receptors in my brain are burned out.

I remember a few years ago I was driving and had no idea where I was…on a route I drive daily. Momentary panic set in. What was that?  

Flatlining during a conversation happens. I know I should say something but I’m blank. I wonder if the people I’m talking to notice. Like a temporary power outage. What was that?  

I had two MRIs last year and was referred to a neurologist. I never made that appointment. 

Bezos sells amazon

 Jeff bezos has sold 8.5 billion dollars worth of Amazon stock. What does anyone need 8.5 billion dollars?  Like what is he going to do with all that money?  Should the rest of us be concerned?  Same with Elon musk. The state of Delaware legally stripped him of his compensation package. Isn’t that weird. 

Peasants will own nothing and be happy about it. 

Flame Thrower

There are days I wish to write with a flame thrower and leave a path of destruction on every topic I write. Nothing in my wake but scorched, smoldering Earth. 

AT&T’s Next plan

 Just before I went to FL, the iPhone 14 came out. I had wanted to get it but no one had it in stock. So I bought the old model 13. It was good enough but I never really enjoyed the phone. I wanted white but all they had left was black. So for whatever reason I went ahead and got a phone I didn’t want. I think it was because I wanted the big screen because I didn’t have a computer or iPad to use when I relocated.  I don’t like black phones. Ever since white was available, that is what I always purchased. 

Last week I decided I was done with the black phone and wanted the newish iPhone 15. Was willing to trade it in and take the hit on it.  Usually I take the upgrade on the oldest phone in the family and everyone else gets an upgrade from the hand me down.  Strange no one in the family wanted the 13; they’re happy with the phones they have.  

So I went to the store and inquired about the upgrade and found out I could trade mine in when it was paid off half way and get 500 dollars off the next phone.  Surprised I added the next plan to my phone but happy I did.  I upgraded to the iPhone 15pro max. It is lighter than the small screen phone and has the better camera.  Read a lot about the titanium and decided to get the natural titanium color instead of the white. I understand the titanium can chip if the phone is dropped and you end up with the natural titanium color showing through. So I did that. 

Am pleased with the new phone’s weight and camera. I understand the next iPhone may have AI included like Samsung. Am not interested in any such technology.  But if it is interesting can upgrade when this phone is half paid off again. Bonus. 

Facts matter

 Here is a fact. Men can’t get pregnant. Women don’t have penises. Thinking you can decouple gender from sex is delusional. There can be masculine women or feminine men.  Thinking God or whoever put their soul in a mismatched body doesn’t make sense.  But saying or believing a man can become pregnant or a woman has a penis is nothing more than a big fat lie. Demanding other people to participate in this lie is  coercion. Disciplinary action or legal penalization for anyone not participating in this lie is a tragedy.  

Surprised so many women are supportive of cross dressing men invading the spaces they have fought for. Like athletic competition, bathrooms and locker rooms. I don’t see any women breaking a record set by a trans person. I don’t think it’s right to have men using women’s bathrooms. Of note, I have not set foot into a Target store since they made it okay for men to use the women’s bathroom and fitting rooms. It’s wrong for a dude with male genitalia to be in a girls room in a school. Whoever thinks this is okay has a defective moral compass. 

I don’t get it. 

Taco

 It’s interesting that some restaurants have better food when they’re super busy and others have better food when they’re slow. Case in point - Rudy’s barbecue serves breakfast tacos. When they’re slammed the tacos are great. When they’re slow, the tacos are terrible.  The tacos are made to order either way  They also serve premade tacos  They sit under a heat lamp  I bet those are the worst if the worst  

Jaws arrived

 Just in time for Valentine's Day?!?  The special jaws cd set arrived today.  And all I can say is this is one of the best cds in my collection.  Yes, I own the original soundtrack recording and it's fine.  But this!  This cd has the complete score that has been restored from the three channel masters recorded in 1975.  The music as it appeared in the movie in its entirety.  Most of soundtrack releases don't contain the music as it was presented in the music.  It's been edited/tweaked to make a more listener friendly album or to make the music more of a standalone presentation without relying on the movie.  When these scores are released by boutique labels such as Intrada, LaLaLand Records or Varese Sarabande, they usually release the score in it's entirety - making the albums desirable to film score fans and collectors; people like me.

The Jaws one is very well done.  I now understand why it commands a premium among collectors and I also understand why it sold out in less than 24 hours.  You can tell from the playing this was done for the movie and not for a soundtrack album, more so for this album than many of the others in my collection.

A definite treat that was well worth the wait.

February 8 2024 - AMAZING

John Williams celebrated his 92nd birthday today!  I was out of town for work and was made aware of a state music educators convention being held in the same city.  I sent a message to one of my friends asking if there were any good concerts I could attend.  I was hoping to see an all-state high school band or something.  As it turns out my friend replies and says the Dallas winds are performing with Boston Brass and he has an extra ticket if I wanted to attend.  The concert was also a world premiere of John Corigliano's saxophone concerto "Triathlon!" featuring Timothy McAllister.  The program also featured 3 pieces by John Williams - selections from Hook, Princess Leia's theme from Star Wars and Adventures on Earth from ET.  There were a two selections featuring Boston Brass and a selection by Geronimo Gimenez.  

All I can say is this was one of the best concerts I've ever attended.  First, the Dallas Winds playing John Williams music on his birthday and I'm celebrating my favorite composer on his 92nd birthday was amazing.  Second, Timothy McAllister on the sax was a treat.  I've never heard a saxophone played with such finesse, athleticism and artistry in one piece.  The concerto was interesting because McAllister played the soprano, alto and baritone saxophones throughout the piece.  Dazzling.  Then Boston Brass take the stage and I'm blown away with their artistry and virtuosity as individuals and a performing ensemble with the winds.  The performance was expressive, controlled, intense, precise, flawless.  

And to top it all off, the legends of the band world were in the audience or on stage.  Jerry Junkin on the podium.  Frank Troyka, Jeff Jones, Richard Floyd, Robert Floyd, Kyle Glaser, composer Omar Thomas.  Greatness was everywhere.  And here I was fortunate to be sharing this experience with all of them.  Little ol' me.  Just an amazing evening.  I was with my people - I socialized with band directors, all-state musicians and friends - just a joyful evening where I was with my tribe.  

During the intermission I ran up to Frank Troyka and reintroduced myself to him and thanked him for bailing me and BOA out of a jam when our host group wasn't able to help run the show.  I called Frank and he had his band produce the show with a two week notice.  I didn't get a chance to thank him in person after the show - he took the kids back to their school and we tore down and packed everything up, flying out the following morning.  It was so great to say thank you in person - even after 22 years.  

I got home on the 9th and before my youngest got home from school.  He comes running in the door and is like "Dad - guess what?!?!" What?  Yesterday was John William's birthday!  He then tells me he did a presentation for one of his classes about John Williams, talking about his music and what it means to him and the rest of the world.  He's 13, about to be 14...  I asked to see his presentation and I'm just thrilled see what he did.  So...  I went to this amazing concert, celebrating John Williams and my son did his presentation all on John Williams' 92nd birthday.  The planets must be completely aligned.

Another funny thing...  after the concert, I return to my room, checking my email and Intrada records has re-released the limited edition Jaws soundtrack.  It's been out of print for years...  I thought about buying one second hand but it's too expensive.  I was pleased to see the email and placed an order late last night.  I get home from work today and it is already sold out.  Bam!  A total trifecta of awesome in less than 24 hours.

Sometimes it's easy to second guess life decisions.  Sometimes I question the decision's I've made that have brought me where I am today.  And I'm terrified of failing wondering if the decisions I've made will ultimately lead to the destruction of my career...  I left a state I loved.  I left a community I loved.  I stopped playing music.  I question whether I am a good husband/father/leader/person.  Full of self-doubt.  Then something crazy happens and realize my life is pretty amazing.  

For the concert, two band directors were seated to my left.  One of them retired from Indiana and one from the state of Texas.  The guy from Indiana was the Texas' guy band director when he was a kid.  They got to share the experience as student, teacher, musician, friend, mentor and peer.  There I was visiting with them and hearing their stories.  The retired band director is now employed by music travel consultants.  You should apply - business is great.  My old boss works there, too.  Weird.  It's a small, small world.

Television Programming

 When I was a kid, my family watched television together in the evenings.  After school, I'd come home and watch cartoons.  My mom would watch soap operas while the kids were at school.  TV was something we did as a family.  I don't remember us talking much about the programs we watched but it was a common experience we shared while I was growing up.

As an adult I shun television.  The television programming, the news, all of it.  We have a TV but no service.  It primarily serves as a movie theatre screen for watching movies.  I don't watch many movies anymore either...  Primarily due to the woke agenda.  I don't want to expose myself nor my family to the liberal ideology.  I view liberalism as fundamentally flawed contributing to the moral decay of our society.  But what do I know?

Now that my kids are older, I wonder if we should have watched tv together as a family.  At least we could talk about what we experienced.  Everyone in my house is on their own screen watching who knows what.  Everyone but me.  You tube, Facebook videos, Netflix and whatever else they watch on their own screens.  No one moderates the media consumed in my family.  I choose not to participate in any media with a video component. Have I harmed my family?  Are members of my family being harmed by what the consume and the ideas that are being put in their heads?  Are trans people soliciting my kids and planting seeds that mental illness of that type should be accepted and celebrated?  God I hope not.

What experiences do we share a as a family?  I don't know.  We eat together and go on vacation together.  Go to the occasional movie together.  Aside from that?  IDK.

We don't go to church.  Both my wife and I went to church as children.  When we got married we were regular attendees at church.  We both volunteered in the nursery for the early service and attended the late service.  When I got hired with the company, going to church stopped.  I worked a rotten schedule for 17 years.  They say it's true that the man sets the spiritual tone of the household.  My wife could have taken the kids to church.  I could have worked a friendlier schedule that allowed for better work-life balance.  But I didn't.  I could go back to church now that my schedule is normal.  But I haven't.  Why not?  What a loser.

There are times I wonder if I have been a good husband/parent.  I don't know.  I went to work.  I provided for my family.  Was I engaged and present in their lives?  My oldest is in college and doing well.  I try to call him for days on end every couple weeks.  He doesn't answer.  Maybe he's busy.  Maybe he doesn't want to talk to his conservative nut job father.  Maybe I should be proud of the fact that he is independent and doesn't need me.  Whatever.

I wrote about extrinsic and intrinsic ways of looking at the world.  As a young adult I bought into the intrinsic view of the world.  When Ross Perot ran for president I jumped off the intrinsic view of the world and realized, in my mind, the superiority of extrinsic view of the world.  

I guess now I'm conflicted.  Nice.

Intrinsic vs Extrinsic Values

Read an article on the Guardian contrasting Biden's view of the world and Trump's view of the world.  It was surmised that the left's view of the world is from an intrinsic perspective and the right's view of the world is extrinsic.  "Intrinsic perspective values are based around empathy, intimacy and self-acceptance.  Intrinsic centric people tend to be open to challenge and change, interested in universal rights and equality, and protective of other people and the living world. "  

Extrinsic motivated people are more attracted to prestige, status, image, fame power an wealth.  They are strongly motivated by the prospect of individual reward  and praise.  They are more likely to objectify and exploit other people, to behave rudely and aggressively and to dismiss social and environmental impacts.  They have little interest in cooperation or community."

Obviously the author has a disdain for extrinsic motivated people.  The article goes on to link democrats/liberals/progressives as being intrinsic and republicans/conservatives as being extrinsic.  

I see his argument from a religious perspective.  Take for example a good little christian praying for his life situation or circumstance to change waiting for God to make everything better.  If this person prays hard enough, God will surely make the world just and improve the situation.  Yet nothing happens.

I distinctly remember sitting in church years ago and hearing the pastor preach a message stating, "Prayer without action is useless.  God helps those who help themselves."

Herein lies the conflict between liberals and conservatives / democrats and republicans.  The liberals look for the government to be the answers.  A great equalizer for society's injustices.  To bring wealth and opportunity to the poor and uneducated.  To provide for those who either can't or won't provide for themselves.  To put someone in the space station just because they want to be there whether or not they have the skill or training to be there.  The government becomes an integral component of society - an entity that is trying to right perceived wrongs.  A jury and arbitrator.  A charity providing a handout. 

Conservatives look at the government as part of the problem.  A regulator infringing on capitalistic opportunity.  An entity that rewards the haves and penalizes have nots. Rewards the winners and penalizes the losers.  Conservatives or extrinsic value based people look for personal achievement, accumulation of power and the exploitation of others.  IE - Market based living.  The one's with the best ideas dominate and the worst ideas fade away.  The weak are inferior.  The powerful are superior.

Not quite fleshed out yet.

Spatial Computing

 Apple is taking a crack at the virtual/augmented reality world with the Apple Vision Pro.  While I don't have nearly 4,000USD to shell out on a piece of experimental technology, I can't help but think this is the next big thing in computing.  The videos Apple has produced sure do look compelling and make me wonder what it'll be like to use it.  The articles written by tech pundits also pique my curiosity into this new technology.

It's not really new.  VR headsets and games have been around for a while.  But they don't have the same realism or functionality as this gadget.  What Apple is famous for is taking existing technology and doing something revolutionary with it.  Apple understands consumer technology in a way other companies simply don't.  It's like they have a bunch of really yet practical people working for them.  Enlightened if you will.

I think it is going to be interesting to see how developers create for this new computing platform.  Again, I'm predicting this is going to be a HUGE hit for Apple - just like the iPhone was.

Band Concert

The local community band had a concert today.  It's the first one I've been to with their new conductor.  The band sounded fantastic.  They had a new energy and a forward momentum about their play that is new.  While I was there I got to see some of my friends from when I was a member.  It was so great to see them and compliment their playing and performance.  One question I got was are you gonna start playing again?  It's been a while since I've seriously played and if I want to play again I gotta get my chops back in shape.  I sold my instrument last year.  I didn't think I'd play again as I've a wart on my lower lip that has been cut out many times by a dermatologist and won't stay gone.  When it flares up, it's painful and takes the fun out of playing my horn.  I'm also leery of participating due to the always on call aspect to my role.  Much to consider.

Since I've been back home I've lost my swagger.  There is so much scrutiny, questioning and justification for so many aspects of my job.  Many responsibilities to juggle.  Many problems uncovered that need to be resolved.  It's not fun.  It's a lot of work.  They say the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  In this role the standing nail gets hammered.   I think I need someone with the skill set I brought to my previous role on my team.  Someone who takes charge, kicks ass and takes names.  Someone who runs with directives and is part of the solution without having to be told what to do.  Getting my immediate team to take action is like pulling teeth.  WTH?