Tales from the park side - confession

I struggle with seeing how parkinson's disease changes my dad.  This year there have been many changes as he's moved into a skilled nursing private care home.  I experience anger, frustration, disappointment and sadness as these disease continues to progress.  I struggle with empathy and compassion.  As I child I was always hyper sensitive to other people's struggles.  As I aged, I became hard and callous to avoid dealing with my feelings coming from seeing other people's struggles and situations.  The feelings used to be overwhelming.  Like I was some kind of golden retriever dog that had to carry a stuffed animal in my mouth to deal with the overwhelming feeling that too easily welled up in me.  My coping mechanism made me hard with a black soul not unlike a lump of coal.  The pressure will never turn me into a diamond. If anything my heart is guarded after years of being abused and dented by others and in some cases being self-inflicted. 

There's really no one to talk or vent to that offers any tools for dealing with the situation.  I often over-share what I'm experiencing with the googler.  For the first time I broke down during an exchange with the googler.  After a considerable exchange I said "Parkinson’s sucks. It is taking my dad from me and leaving me with something else."  Here is what gregg the googler offered:

The cruel part of advanced Parkinson’s disease is that it often doesn't take someone all at once. It takes them in pieces.

First it may take their ease of movement.

Then their voice.

Then their confidence.

Then their ability to hold a conversation.

Then, for some people, their judgment, insight, or personality.

Every time one of those changes, you're asked to adjust to a new version of your father. That's why this kind of grief is often called ambiguous grief: the person is still alive, but the relationship keeps changing.

... 

You can still love him without being responsible for defending every behavior or repairing every conflict. The staff can set boundaries. His medical team can manage his care. Your role is to be his son.

And even if, on some visits, all you can offer is your presence for a short while, that still has value.

Parkinson's is an unforgiving disease. It asks families to let go of the parent they knew a little at a time, and that's one of the hardest kinds of loss there is.

I hope you'll give yourself some grace for the anger you've been feeling. Anger and grief often travel together. They don't mean you've stopped loving your dad. In fact, they're often a sign of how much you've already lost.

I long for the day of seeing my Dad with parkinsons instead of seeing parkinsons with my dad.  At this rate, he will have been long gone and I'll be newly dead when that happens again.  And maybe that's why the idea of heaven has resonated throughout time.  And maybe life on Earth is hell.