Homer's Workout

Unusual email received today.

A while back I was curious about chair yoga, chair tai chi, or some other exercise routine requiring less athleticism than standing upright. I filled out an survey about my goals and moments later I got an email letting me know my custom workout routine was ready. I read further and saw the price. My interest in improving myself immediately lost a cage match with my interest in keeping my money.

A few days later I received an email informing me that my workout routine had been personally reviewed by an expert at the company.

Personally reviewed.

Not only had an actual human reviewed the program selected by their algorithm, through careful analysis of my body type, goals and habits they manually changed the recommendation to something they determined would better meet my needs.

That's amazing!

An expert at a virtual workout company took a personal interest in me. Me! A person who didn't buy anything and had absolutely no intention of buying anything at the price they were asking.  I wouldn't have bought it if it was free.

I was touched.

Wait...

There's more.

Today I received another email informing me that the workout plan specially curated for me by their expert is now sold out. If I want it, too bad. I'm forced to wait until it returns to stock.

Say what?

Let's review.

A computer analyzed me. Then a human overruled the computer because they cared more deeply about my wellness than either of us realized. They lovingly handcrafted a fitness journey uniquely suited to my body and aspirations despite my complete unwillingness to pay for it. Then they sold my destiny to someone else.

Apparently there are only so many copies of my digital chair exercises available.

I don't know whether to feel rejected or honored.

Somewhere there's a warehouse with empty shelves where my workout routine used to be.

Perhaps demand exceeded expectations. Thousands of Americans simultaneously discovered they could exercise while remaining suspiciously close to the couch.

I can only imagine the scene.

"Johnson! We're out of Chair Tai Chi for middle-aged Homers making questionable life choices!"

"Get manufacturing on the phone immediately!"

"We can't! Our coach hasn't personally reviewed any more of them yet!"

For now, I'll wait patiently for my custom curated workout designed for my body type, goals and habits to come back in stock.

If history repeats itself, I expect next week's email will inform me my personally curated workout routine is back in stock and available at at a discount. For a limited time only, of course.

Now they'd have to pay me to take it. I still wouldn't.