Every family dysfunction has boiled over since my dad elected to move to skilled nursing. And what I'm learning is he's the problem. Communication has been strained with him and the care team. He is behaving inappropriately. He tries to be in control of things when he is incapable. And he gets irritated when people lose patience with him.
For example - he's having surgery next week. The care team had questions about post op care. He attempts to get information from a doctors office and then he attempts to send it to everyone else. He sends a half written message to everyone at 0900. I call him at 1100 and ask him if the rest of the message is coming. He says he sent it. I didn't receive anything. I then ask if he can just tell me the information. He says 'no - hold your horses.' And 45 minutes later he sends a partial message with no information.
A member of his care team calls me out of frustration and lack of communication. They asked him to share the information and he said no. Like WTH? How is anyone supposed to help him when he is gatekeeping all the information and refuses to communicate. Or tries to communicate and cant? He has to do it his way. Regardless of how inefficient it is. No one has time to way nearly 3 hours for communication started at 0900. And once again, that leaves me to pick up the pieces and smooth over his dysfunction with the people that are trying to take care of him.
It's like he thinks he has something to prove.... that he's not a decrepit old man and he's "still got it" with how the tries to present himself. All he's doing is looking more incompetent with every delayed or half baked message. Then when he gets irritable with people trying to help him, he's making it worse. Now he's looking stubborn and pig headed. Especially when he's holding things up trying to make himself look like he's still capable. While he is capable, he never learned that sometimes you just have to check the box and get it done. It doesn't have to be perfect. It needs to be completed in a timely manner. Perfection is overrated.
He's the hub of information. He controls when, who gets and what information is distributed. To people who are trying to help him that need information to plan. Unbelievable. So now it's figuring out how to work around him for his own good.
Why do elderly people have to be so darn stubborn!?!? To be independent? To make it look like they are in control of their life? To prove they're capable? I get it. The thing is the world doesn't move at the speed of an elderly person. It moves at it's speed while he's moving in slow motion. The rest of us are living in the real world trying to get things done. Not only in our lives, but in his too. Step aside and let us help you before you alienate everyone trying to help. Elderly people are like old cars. They're tired, worn and persnickety. It takes a special driver to tend to their needs.
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