Mess

What a mess.  Since my Mom was in the hospital on Aug 5 she has fallen 3 more times and was in the hospital again on Saturday.  She fell again tonight.  Was walking around with out her walker, lost her balance and hit the wall.  She is becoming a hazard to her own well being.  She either doesn't remember to use her walker or thinks she doesn't need it or whatever.  I don't know.  It's getting frustrating. 

I think we're at the point where we are going to get her a wheelchair with a tray attached to the front of it.  That way she has to stay seated.  I don't know how this will work for toileting - but we can't have her falling down all the time.  She'll break something one of these times and that's the end.

When I visited her in the hospital this last time, she had no idea why she was there.  I informed her she fell and based on the hit, we didn't know if her shoulder was broken.  She looked at me and thanked me for telling her.  The body should not outlast the mind.  Thanks to modern medicine it does.  Way to go geniuses.  

I cannot even fathom my parents living in their old house.  What a mess.

My Dad sent me the video from her fall in a text.  It infuriated me.  Like WTF am I supposed to do about this?  In our telephone call following I told him not to send those to me and just call me.  

So..  we got a strategy.  We had my mom discharged from home health care and are having physical and occupational therapists evaluate her.  By discharging from home health care, she will be able to get more intensive PT - 5 times a week.  Hopefully she will build some strength for her stability.  But how's that going to work if she's in a wheelchair?  Are we kicking the tin can down the road?  Will therapy even be beneficial for longer that 10 minutes if she has no short term memory?  How is she going to retain the information they tell her and the movements their trying to train her to do?  

My moms teeth are getting rotten because they've always been a problem but I think she stopped brushing them.  She was supposed to have dental work done numerous times over the years but she'd always find a reason to cancel.  Sane with her messed up feet.  She's got bunions.  Bad.  And the little piggy that stayed home is on top of the piggy that went to market.  Shoes never fit her feet right.  Now her feet look like hooves.  She never had that fixed either.  I blame my Dad for letting her cancel all these procedures.  At the same time she's an adult and needs to care for herself.  

I wonder how long she's had dementia and it was concealed?  Conversations with my mom went in endless circles when I was in high school.  I thought it was weird.  And embarrassing at church. Something must have been wrong back then but I just thought that's the way mom is.  My Mom was a creature of habit and literally did the same things the exact same way all her life.  She never did anything new.  Never did anything different.  Kind of a recluse. And at the same time she was the kindest and gentlest person I know with the most intense exceptions.  I have a few bad memories when she became an enraged lunatic and literally dragged me from the garage into the house and slammed my head against the garbage can in the kitchen while she was screaming at me like a raging lunatic for something I did.  Kids shouldn't fear for their lives.  Or the time she lost her shit and literally beat my ass with a wooden spoon.  Or the time I said something out of line to her and she dragged me across the house and washed my mouth out with soap.  Or the few times she threw a glass across the kitchen while all of us were fighting on Sunday mornings before church.  She was ALWAYS late and I hated it.  But there we were sitting in church wearing our Sunday best having just had a war in our house.  Like what was all that?  Growing up in the 70s and 80s wasn't a picnic.  That's for sure.  And people wonder why Gen X is so screwed up and incapable of expressing any other emotion besides anger?  

My Dad was raised by two alcoholics.  I was raised the son of an alcoholic but my Mom and Dad didn't drink.  Don't know a lot about my moms upbringing.  Never seemed off during our family visits - but something had to happen to my mother to make her kinda crazy.

Family abuse runs through generations.  I agree with that.  I was out of line with my son once and it terrified him and me.  I don't know if he remembers.  I don't know if it ruined him.  It is one of the few things in my past I am completely ashamed of and I'll carry that shame to the grave.

After the incident with my son I vowed to never do anything like that to another person again.  I'm proud to say I kept that promise.  By instinct I think humans raise their offspring the way they were raised.  Hopefully each generation tries to do better.  As I think about it, I believe it takes 2-3 generations to right the ship with a lot of hard work and the intention of doing better than was done to me.