Marriage

My sister's husband was in a terrible car accident.  Since then he's had a major surgery, had cardiac arrest and they worked on him for nearly a half hour then a stroke and a series of seizures and it was revealed that his frontal temporal lobe has been damaged.  In addition to the paralysis of his left side and other body problems, he is brain damaged.  The brain damage has affected his ability to be nice and often times becomes verbally abusive and belligerent to those around him and act out with violence towards those in his wrath.  My sister has informed me her husband has been discharged from care facilities because they are unable/unwilling to continue dealing with him.  His behavior has been documented as being so horrible that other facilities refuse to accept him as a rehab patient or resident in a long term care or skilled nursing facility.  Essentially he was discharged to my sister and no one else will care for him but her.  My sister then alluded to her having no income and having to take care of her husband.  They've come out of this situation with debt in excess of a million dollars, no more insurance benefits and no more income.  Essentially, she is caught in the undertow and being pulled under with him being the dead weight dragging her down.  

Her husband used to be a minister.  Their bishop consulted my sister and said that although they were married and made a commitment to love and care for each other for the rest of their lives that God would understand her situation and those vows they undertook did not encompass sticking it out through abuse of any kind.  Essentially his way of giving her out of their marriage due to the circumstances.

There was one point when they required the discharge that my sister didn't know how she was going to care for him due to his abusive behavior.  My counsel to her was if she was being abused or in a position where her husband was either a threat to himself or those around him was to call the police and have them take him away and then refuse the discharge once he was stable.  This would get him away from her and get him into the system as being abusive.  Even though he is not of sound mind.

I have also counseled her to seek legal help for how to divorce him and have him turned over to the custody of the state to deal with.  They are ruined financially.  The best thing to do would be a divorce, declare bankruptcy and have him be awarded custody of the state.  Then she get on with her life and live out her life with some independence as opposed to being burdened by caring for an abusive invalid with no income and no future.  It's not a matter of no longer loving him.  It's about being able to live your life without being a slave to his care and being destroyed financially.  

The very thing that terrifies me of happening if I become incapacitated due to disease or brain rot.  I have no doubt it is an extremely difficult decision to make.  I wouldn't want to make it.  I wouldn't want to end up or my wife to end up ruined financially because something terrible happened.  I wouldn't want my wife to be shackeled with caring for me if I was terrible to her regardless of being in a sound state of mind or not.  

What do you do when life changes and becomes unmanageable?  I recently wrote about the commitment a couple makes to each other when the get married.  Never giving up on each other or the relationship.  Does that apply in every circumstance?  My sister publicly posted their wedding vows made on their wedding day: 

I take you, Craig, to be my husband, in the presence of God. 

To grow with you in a love that has no limit 

To be faithful to you

To respect and care for you

To laugh and cry with you

And to share my whole life with you

Through the best and worst of all that is to come.

Everyone is saying they're continue to pray for them and their situation. One mutual friend said he would pray for courage. I agree with our mutual friend. Courage to either stick it out or courage to get out of the situation.

Is it okay to jump ship when life goes completely sideways? If there's no way out? Should either person be sentenced to a lifetime of misery due to circumstance? Is that really what you sign up for as you take your marriage vows before God, family and friends?

I don't know how to answer any of the questions or how one would go about reconciling a decision to stick it out or call it quits.

One of my modus operandi is to make a decision and make it good. In other words go all in. Make your bed and sleep in it.

The more I think about it the most caring thing one can do is draw up an end of life directive and have it notarized or done by a lawyer so it is legally binding. For me, I think I draw the line at once the heart stops, pull the plug. Or do not attempt resuscitation once the heart has been stoped for 3 minutes. Because let's face it - anything longer than that and the chances of having brain damage increase exponentially.

Their situation is awful tragedy and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Sometimes I feel like I'm a ruthless asshole for even suggesting walking away, getting a divorce and declaring bankruptcy so you can live the rest of your life without the burden that comes with taking care of a brain damaged invalid with no income. What kind of future is that? Would anyone want that for themselves or their spouse? I wouldn't want my wife's life to take a turn to find herself in that situation. What a mess.