About a week ago
I saw my dad for a visit with just me and him. It wasn't a good visit. I'd say it was a bad visit. He the conversation is awkward yet being together is familiar. I run through a list of topics. What's new. What's going on with work. What the kids are doing. Does he need anything. What's he had for recent meals. Current events.
He wanted to show me how fast his new modem is. That was awkward because he has problems operating his mouse and keyboard due to the Parkinson's. He finally gets a website to come up. I didn't see anything particular speedy. But play the game and comment about how amazing it is. There's really no difference in how fast a website pulls up. Then he flips screens and has been watching mom's funeral again. I think he watches often; commenting on what a nice service we put together for her.
Then he asked me 'his was Mother's Day?' I'm like what the hell? It was different. Not wanting to discuss with him. It's like he poked the bear. He wanted more details and I was like how do you think it was? Then he looked at me. I asked him how it was for him. He said what do you think?
That was awkward. I decided I don't want to discuss the topic with him again. I asked if he still sees a therapist. Yes. Professionally or socially? Both. Good. You should keep doing that.
He wasn't particularly caring or loving to my mom ever since he got diagnosed with Parkinson's and with drew into what I call his own bullshit. His problems. His challenges. From my perspective he ignored hers. For years. Never took her to the doctor or dentist when he was able and making sure he saw his doctor and dentist. He fed her junk food and made sure there was always cookies, cakes and Diet Coke available. When she couldn't eat he left her in the dining room. He didn't keep her company and as far as I know never tried to feed her myself. When I was there I would sit with her if I found her the meal table. I'd feed her when I saw her struggling to eat.
Towards the end he would barely speak to her or look at her. He was cold and callous. To his wife of nearly 56 years. When the end was coming he barely sat with her and barely touched her, barely talked to her or barely held her hand. Like what the f dude? I told him once the opportunity to do so was slipping away and mom needs to hear your voice and hear you love her. She won't understand me. She may not respond to your voice but her heart feels you and hears you. It wasn't until the day before she died he actually sat and held her hand. I don't know if he ever verbalized anything to her. But he watched everyone else come through the room talk to her, touch her and love on her.
Then to want to talk about it now is pretty rich. Infuriating. You watched everyone love on mom while she was dying and now you want to talk about it. It's been 3 months. For me the door has closed on having those kinds of discussions.
When we moved into our current house my wife got very sick and nearly died. In a medically induced coma for two weeks. I saw her daily. I held her hand. I read books to her. Played videos of the kids that she couldn't see. I know what it's like to have a wife on her death bed. And I know what it's like not knowing if she is going to live. I know what it's like not knowing if I will see her alive again.
The difference with my mom is the outcome was known.
I don't think he knew the outcome or maybe he couldn't deal with the outcome. I refused to accept that outcome with my wife and understood the outcome with my mom.
Now I worry if I am damaging my relationship with my dad. He wants to conduct therapy sessions about my mom's dying. I've dealt with it in a way that I understand and am comfortable with. I don't know how to deal with my feelings toward him and my judgement of how he treated or mistreated her.
I've written about realizing my parents flaws. Their brokenness. I don't write about my brokenness or my flaws. I don't want to deal with our brokenness around my mom or her brokenness. Cherish the good times. Accept the bad. And let everything else rest in peace.
He wanted to show me how fast his new modem is. That was awkward because he has problems operating his mouse and keyboard due to the Parkinson's. He finally gets a website to come up. I didn't see anything particular speedy. But play the game and comment about how amazing it is. There's really no difference in how fast a website pulls up. Then he flips screens and has been watching mom's funeral again. I think he watches often; commenting on what a nice service we put together for her.
Then he asked me 'his was Mother's Day?' I'm like what the hell? It was different. Not wanting to discuss with him. It's like he poked the bear. He wanted more details and I was like how do you think it was? Then he looked at me. I asked him how it was for him. He said what do you think?
That was awkward. I decided I don't want to discuss the topic with him again. I asked if he still sees a therapist. Yes. Professionally or socially? Both. Good. You should keep doing that.
He wasn't particularly caring or loving to my mom ever since he got diagnosed with Parkinson's and with drew into what I call his own bullshit. His problems. His challenges. From my perspective he ignored hers. For years. Never took her to the doctor or dentist when he was able and making sure he saw his doctor and dentist. He fed her junk food and made sure there was always cookies, cakes and Diet Coke available. When she couldn't eat he left her in the dining room. He didn't keep her company and as far as I know never tried to feed her myself. When I was there I would sit with her if I found her the meal table. I'd feed her when I saw her struggling to eat.
Towards the end he would barely speak to her or look at her. He was cold and callous. To his wife of nearly 56 years. When the end was coming he barely sat with her and barely touched her, barely talked to her or barely held her hand. Like what the f dude? I told him once the opportunity to do so was slipping away and mom needs to hear your voice and hear you love her. She won't understand me. She may not respond to your voice but her heart feels you and hears you. It wasn't until the day before she died he actually sat and held her hand. I don't know if he ever verbalized anything to her. But he watched everyone else come through the room talk to her, touch her and love on her.
Then to want to talk about it now is pretty rich. Infuriating. You watched everyone love on mom while she was dying and now you want to talk about it. It's been 3 months. For me the door has closed on having those kinds of discussions.
When we moved into our current house my wife got very sick and nearly died. In a medically induced coma for two weeks. I saw her daily. I held her hand. I read books to her. Played videos of the kids that she couldn't see. I know what it's like to have a wife on her death bed. And I know what it's like not knowing if she is going to live. I know what it's like not knowing if I will see her alive again.
The difference with my mom is the outcome was known.
I don't think he knew the outcome or maybe he couldn't deal with the outcome. I refused to accept that outcome with my wife and understood the outcome with my mom.
Now I worry if I am damaging my relationship with my dad. He wants to conduct therapy sessions about my mom's dying. I've dealt with it in a way that I understand and am comfortable with. I don't know how to deal with my feelings toward him and my judgement of how he treated or mistreated her.
I've written about realizing my parents flaws. Their brokenness. I don't write about my brokenness or my flaws. I don't want to deal with our brokenness around my mom or her brokenness. Cherish the good times. Accept the bad. And let everything else rest in peace.
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